Am I the Darkness? What’s Wrong With Me?

Question by : Am I the darkness? What’s wrong with me?
Second post, same question, more info new category. Add. Question: is this all caused by psychosis?

Why am I attracted to the darkness? Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Severe Psychosis Disorder (what is that?) like depression or something and sent away. I would hear things, but not see things. I think it was just my thoughts, but I haven’t heard my thoughts. At the time I believed it to be voices. Ever since I got out of the hospital, (mental) two years ago (about), I’ve changed. I’ve become attracted to the darkness. I like killing (not literally I mean I like horror, and all), I have a horror film company, and some people say I am the darkness. I’m quiet, mysterious, and I have a different personality a lot. Like let’s say I’d watch a movie about a violent character. I’d absorb his mannerisms. I don’t, or it seems that I don’t, have a true personality. I’m very dark, have killer, violent thoughts. I bottle all emotions up. I’m very sneaky people say, and a good liar. Meaning like I usually don’t show much emotion, or at least not true ones, like I could be smiling a bit, but really I’m not what I portray to be. I feel the darkness, empty. But at the same time, some days I’m comedic, funny, silly, call my best friend a little midget and dork that walks around my film set, and cute.

What’s up with me? I’m not sure what else to say, I hate feeling emotion, so I bottle it up and portray almost always the opposite of what I feel. Sometimes something small like I’m happy I show, but non others, and I always have negative thoughts, like a lot pisses me off sometimes. Like I feel like something’s just off about me, but I’m too sneaky to myself, like obviously I’m not going around killing people, so I’m not that dangerous, but I feel that dark. I feel like a very dark person. In my mind, sometimes I consider I’m a pathological liar? Maybe not, not completely certain. In school I create a persona that’s quiet and innocent, do my work.
Also what is psychosis exactly it doesn’t seem to be clear.

Best answer:

Answer by bettyboo
I’m the same minus the horror and mentle hospital and voices.
Emotions are quite bothersome sometimes but you have yo learn to get used to them even if you don’t like them. Don’t try and hide what you feel, if you catch yourself doing just that then force yourself yo show it and act/speak it.

You probably put on a mask and fool the world around you (i do) and it works. I guess its like our defense from this cruel world. I tried to stop using it and saw myself getting happier. Its best not to hold anything back. There are always people who understand even if you think they dont.

Might take a while to get used to doing all this but in the end its worth it.

Hope i helped

Answer by j
One opinion: people are attracted to the destructive, the darkening, by some of these:
inordinate or wrong desire;
anger when frustrated;
addictive personality;
sex addiction;
drug/alcohol addiction;
deformative (abused) childhood.

To heal such tendencies, a good relationship with a good counselor or therapist is advised. A list of good local counselors is obtainable from the licensed counselors 24/7 at 1-800-525-LOVE. Ask your question, ask for local counselors.

“Psychosis” is a term of art for pathological disconnection with everyday reality.

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